Private Club

I didn't know how I would feel entering this specific month.  It is the month of many things.  In our family, it is the month we celebrate my dad's birthday. This year this month represents an exact year of my mom being diagnosed with breast cancer and being cancer FREE. These two amazing milestones calls for our family to celebrate, because our parents are healthy and we have another year of being blessed with them in our lives.

The debby-downer of this month though, that day was yesterday.  October 15th is marked for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  To husband and I, October 15 of last year was the exact day we had a miscarriage.  It has been one year.  One year that my heart felt broken.  That we were surprised with a blessing, but a temporary one.  This still and quiet brokenness then makes a quick left turn to anger at what I personally and spiritually feel was the cause and root.  To not let this anger control or consume me, I quickly whisper asking God to remove that anger, soften my heart and give me peace.  It is all I can do.  The morning started off at the gym, it is the perfect remedy to let out all the feelings and boy did I let them out at in my cycle class.  

While I wanted to just have quiet time, read, write, sip tea, etc... The day was anything but that. Then throw in The Dodgers huge playoff game last night, I guess the day was a helpful distraction to my heart and mind.  My husband and I didn't say much about the topic, and I was thankful for the stress and feelings of disappointment he had over the game because I'd rather he have those feelings than of the brokenness from last year.

Overall I would say we are very positive and optimistic.  The sadness that pops up throughout the year.  The brokenness and hurt we feel knowing we would have had a child to carry and stroll, our home filled a little extra, accidentally stepping on musical baby toys in the middle of the night when the baby is finally sound asleep, the dogs having an extra loved one to protect, and being able to make the coming holidays more special...aside from the many experiences we could be sharing, we have hope through and through. And I'm thankful for humor and laughter, because we've had many moments of pure laughter, smiles and happiness - little sprinkles to mend the wound and heal.

While we have faith it makes me sad to read and hear from other women (moms) in this special club who lost faith.  Some hate God.  Some are going through a very tough time, tougher than what my husband and I experienced in mourning and grieving.  And then there are women, like me, who question ourselves if it is okay to morn or if we are done mourning and are we really better, if not will it ever get better?  My heart hurts specifically for those who lash out in anger because I felt that, too.  My anger was not at God but at certain people.

Today, I write to the moms who have baby angels looking over you and who are waiting to meet you one day.  Let us build each other up.  Let us support one another.  Let us not grow bitter nor angry.  Let us soak in each and every feeling because there will be new members of this special and intimate club as each day goes by.  Let us embrace them and give them that giant bear hug, the one we all wanted to collapse into during our moment of brokenness.  Let us teach them to ignore the comments of, "miscarriages happen all the time" "some don't even know they were pregnant and had a miscarriage" and the comments can go on because they do not understand and will never understand.  Let us also feel that it is OK to grieve and to own each feeling that goes through our heart.  We are not sensitive.  We are not over-emotional.  We are moms who simply miss their child, we lost a part of our future before it even began and we have a piece of our heart in heaven.  We may hold a secret remembrance on the day of each year of the childs birth (or estimated birth date).  We might even light a candle the evening of October 15th to be one with moms all across the world.  We might do many other things.  And it is all OKAY.  

To the moms who lost faith.  I simply pray you regain that faith and that anger towards God diminishes. God is a God of good.  He is a loving God.  A God who sees every tear and every pain we endure.  He knows how many hairs on our head.  Now for one to know how many hairs I have on my head, must be from someone who thinks I'm so important to him that He knows every single detail about me.  God uses pain, hurt, brokenness and turns it around for the good. This pain and heartache has turned into a beautiful blessing for my husband and I, we are able to share, cope, cry, grieve, mourn and sympathize with so many.  Being able to share the hope and to love on others through their time in sorrow is more than I could have imagined from God.  It is a complete blessing.  October 15th of 2014, when we faced our sorrow, one of my dearest friends was there to help pick me-up and told me it is okay to feel every emotion.  I thank her.  For what she herself experienced, she in turn helped me cope. Nothing ever goes in vain, even the most saddest and hurtful ones.

There is and will always be hope.

To all the moms in the world, I love you and I am completely blessed to be in this special club with you.

What others assume vs Reality

I was in the elevator going up to my office when I ran into an old friend.  We immediately hugged, asked how each other was doing and chatted.  What stuck out from that conversation though, was her saying how she loves my Instagram photos, that I'm such a positive and happy person.  My mind quickly paused and I thought, should I open up and tell her thats far from the truth or just let it go, we both were kinda in a rush anyways.

You see, I have this mental struggle with wanting to be transparent, honest and real with people; especially with friends and family.  I also am one who has positivity as a top strength; meaning, I always keep my eyes on the positive, by default.  Being honest is actually myself being positive.  Not speaking of the fears or anxiety that run through my mind - because to me, that would be speaking the negativity into existence.  Never do I want to utter that.  I live my life speaking of the positive because I know how quickly the negative can consume a mind and life.

Like many things, there is a downside to being positive.  In my case, being positive may come-off or translate that my life is completely great and I'm so happy.  At the very moment in the elevator with my friend, I really felt like curling up in a ball.  This positive girl was going through a tough and trying season.

October 15, 2015 | Infant & Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

October 15, 2015 marks the exact day we, my husband and I, had an unexpected miscarriage.   It was the week we were planning on sharing the wonderful news with our parents but instead, ended up sharing the loss. We stayed home the rest of the week and weekend.  I searched long and hard for the positive.  Looking at baby clothes we had already gotten.  Crying.  Praying.  Stayed in silence.  More crying.  That went on repeat the entire day.  It wasn't until the day after, when we met with our doctor, that I received some clarity which then turned into a glimmer of positivity.  That then grew more each day.

The positive mindset didn't let me get sucked into the sadness and negativity. The thoughts that tried to consume my mind didn't prevail, I kept my mind and heart on all things good.

In our day-to-day life at work, with friends, family and even strangers we pass by - let us be attentive and ask questions.  By that I mean, when you see someone really take the time to see how they are doing.  Do not let their social media posts or how they seem to appear on a day-to-day basis dictate to you how they are really feeling.  In my case, I was trying to stay positive more than ever and filtered my life with as much positivity as I possibly could and in anyway I could.  With going through this season it also cleaned up some of the fog in my own eyes.  I became more aware and attentive to those I was around.  Trying to dig in to see how they were really doing.

October 15 now marks a day that my husband and I will forever relate with others who have suffered the same loss.  It also marks the day that my skin thickened a bit more.  The day I lost a piece of my heart.  The day I gained an experience that I now relate with others to, something I can share and use for the good. It is a chapter in our life and marriage.  A battle wound. Something that pushed my husband and I to cling onto each other more than ever. We grew tremendously.

My goal with this blog post is for us to be real, authentic and honest.  Let us be that community to one another.  I know for certain, if it wasn't for my dearest friend (who also suffered the same loss) that coached and pushed me along, I wouldn't have been able to grieve nor go through the emotions as I did.  This week,really get to know how your neighbor, co-worker, friend or family member is doing.  Treat them to coffee or tea, make that time to invest in others.  

Let our assumptions of what may appear on the outside of others not dictate or translate to think it is their reality.